Saturday morning one-liners

Saturday morning one-liners

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The powers-that-be in Miami-Dade County pocketed close to $2 million from the Dolphins for the stadium-renovation election that wasn’t.

Patriots DT Tommy Kelly isn’t thinking about the possibility of playing in his first career postseason game; “You see how many people they get rid of around here?” Kelly said.  “Make the team first and then think about all that.”

The relationship between the Jets and QB Joe Namath hasn’t prevented the team from wishing him a happy 70th birthday.  (However, they curiously omitted the otherwise perfunctory “and many moooooooore.”)

Bills OT Zebrie Sanders is trying to overcome a rookie season that was marred by injury.

With Steelers S Troy Polamalu absent from OTAs, CB William Gay has been getting snaps in Polamalu’s spot.

Bengals QB John Skelton was $19,000 behind on child-support payments in 2012.

The Ravens will visit the President’s home office on Wednesday.  (It would be neat if they all wear white suits to the White House, but one guy probably still can’t find his.)

Browns S T.J. Ward hosted a fundraiser Friday night for the women who were held captive by years in a Cleveland house.

Colts P Pat McAfee points out that teammate Adam Vinatieri’s career is old enough to “buy cigarettes and lottery tickets.”

Texans WR DeAndre Hopkins, whose sister is openly gay, would be “more than happy” to welcome a gay teammate.

Titans QB Jake Locker says it’s “awesome” to work with quarterbacks coach Dave Ragone.  (Calm down, Chris Farley . . . yep, that’s four out of five Saturdays.)

Jaguars owner Shahid Khan has been honored by Ford for the work of his auto-parts company.  (It probably didn’t hurt that the Lions thumped the Jags last year.)

The Broncos have hired former Browns director of college scouting John Spytek.

Raiders P Chris Kluwe passed on a chance to attend a White House reception celebrating Gay Pride month because it conflicts with the team’s mandatory minicamp.

Chiefs RB Knile Davis says his fumbling problems from college football are fixed.

Kevin Acee of U-T San Diego thinks that D.J. Fluker could be moved to guard.

A name change for the Redskins could cost more than $20 million.

Cowboys LT Tyron Smith wants to get to the Pro Bowl, and then “to get even higher than that.”  (Insert obligatory marijuana joke here.)

The Giants (and the Jets) have requested a restraining order to stop the proposed expansion of the American Dream, a $3.7 billion complex located near MetLife Stadium.

Five players missed the Eagles’ final 2013 “voluntary” OTA session:  WR DeSean Jackson (ankle), RB LeSean McCoy (personal business), LT Jason Peters (consistent no-show this year), S Kenny Phillips (pregnant wife), CB Cary Williams (daughter’s recital).

Lions WR Nate Burleson believes WR Patrick Edwards will “be a big-time playmaker” for the team in 2013.

Six Bears (Adam Podlesh, Robbie Gould, Austin Signor, Blake Costanzo, James Anderson, and Cory Brandon) recently visited six-year-old cancer patient Gavin Waterman, and all six of them shaved their heads as a show of support for Gavin.

The Vikings will be at 100 percent OTA participation when DE Jared Allen arrives.

Folks who own “Packers party houses” across the street from Lambeau Field believe they shouldn’t be required to pay a 10-percent hotel room tax.

The Saints have a league-high $143.4 million in cap dollars committed to the 2014 league year.  (If Drew Brees needs an explanation, he needs to only look at his contract.)

A Georgia group is trying to put the public financing plan for the new Falcons stadium before voters.

Former Buccaneers DE Stylez G. White found himself working for $9 an hour at a hotel in Ohio, one year after leading the team in sacks.

Panthers WR/KR/PR Ted Ginn wants his WR work to match his KR and PR duties.

The Cardinals are close to a 15-year deal to conduct training-camp practices at the stadium where they play their games.

49ers CEO Jed York jokes that, to make the in-stadium experience superior to being at home, someone needs to develop “beer-proof tablets.”

Seahawks QB Russell Wilson finally found a receiver who is shorter than him.

The guy who grabbed WR Kevin Dyson to preserve Super Bowl XXXIV will be grabbing a pen and signing autographs for Rams fans on June 9.

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  1. moagecu says:
    Jun 1, 2013 12:55 PM

    most original joke ever about ray lewis, you should be proud florio

  2. marima07 says:
    Jun 1, 2013 1:17 PM

    Someone had to say it

  3. EJ says:
    Jun 1, 2013 2:47 PM

    Bengals QB John Skelton was $19,000 behind on child-support payments in 2012.

    If you read the story behind the one-liner, you’ll have a different feeling towards Skelton than if you just read the one-liner and moved on.

    He impregnated a girl his last year of HS(A mistake made by the both of them). She eventually gave birth to a daughter. The baby’s mother acknowledged that the little girl was Skelton’s, but refused money toward supporting the baby. Years later, she goes after Skelton the second he earns a paycheck from the NFL. You ask yourself, why did she wait? Here’s why…
    If she collects a monthly check from Skelton based on his job he had before the NFL she would receive a very low monthly payment. If she holds out and waits until he receives his “big money” her monthly payment will be large. She must have been told to wait until he gets his payday then hammer on him. Now she claims that all she really wants is for John to be a part of his daughters life and that’s it…..
    But before he had the money she wasn’t worried about John being a part of his daughters life? I guess money makes a parent realize how important a father is in a daughter’s life?
    BS. I bet she smelled that green the second she spread those legs. Money Moocher, Gold Digger or Cha-Ching? Which one of those is her middle name? What a big B!

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